Trauma-Informed Psychotherapy for Growth & Healing
Do you have relationship trauma?
Many of the individuals I work with feel a lot of pain in their relationships. They keep finding themselves in the same kind of romantic relationship even when they choose different people. They despair over ever finding the right one to settle down with and start a family. Or they are dealing with their own or their partner’s psychological concerns, such as anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and/or attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).
Can you relate to some of the following statements?
• I make excuses for them, such as, “They only reacted so badly because they are really stressed out right now. I should be a good partner and just let it go because I don’t have nearly as many stressors as they do. Or jealousy is just a way they show they care. Their last partner always cheated on them, so of course they would think that I would. Or they were unfaithful because I didn’t make them happy.” I tell myself, “I can get over their affairs as long as they treat me okay. They never hit me so they are not abusive, right? And the drinking and drugs – everyone has a vice.”
• Our fights are getting worse. I would rather not express how I feel because I don’t want to “rock the boat.” It is just easier if I keep things to myself. It seems like their anger has escalated over time. At first, they would just be disappointed in me; now shouting and tears are a normal occurrence.
• But I don’t want to give up. Maybe I can help him. He’s not like this all the time. I know that he has potential because when he is good, he is really good. I get to see a glimmer of the potential of how the relationship could be. Everyone else has given up on him. If I can just stick it out and show him how much I love him and how much he means to me, then we will both be happy in this relationship. I’ve spent so much time loving him and cultivating the relationship, I need it to work. If he has problems, I can be the one to save him. We can have an amazing relationship because I showed him how it is to be loved and supported. When we make up after a fight he is so upset and seems so sorry – he must really mean it this time.
• He will eventually realize how wonderful I am and he’ll want to commit to me. If I could just get him to commit and propose then things would be different. I would be his wife and then he would have to respect me and know that I would never cheat on him. He just needs some more time. Sooner or later he will see how wonderful I am and he will fall in love with me and will want to marry me.
• Maybe she’s the best I can do. I wonder if there’s something wrong with me? Maybe I am asking for too much. No relationship is perfect. Everyone probably fights just as much as we do. I should feel lucky that she is with me. She is better than anyone I have ever dated before, but all of my relationships have had a lot of problems. Why would a new one be any different? I thought I would be married by now. Everyone else I know has been able to find a partner. I wonder why I am not enough for her. Why am I always getting in these kinds of relationships? I see other people in happy relationships. It must be me.
• Figuring this out feels urgent because my biological clock is ticking. What if he is my last chance at having a baby? If my current relationship does not work I won’t have a child because I can’t do it alone. So I don’t know whether I should stick it out and wait for him to be ready, or risk repeating these same patterns all over again with someone else.
Concerns like these can be incredibly painful, even if you are only experiencing a couple of them. I understand deeply and personally how relationships can become a source of distress. I have learned in my own life that it is possible to come from a place of relationship pain to a relationship that is a source of fulfillment, satisfaction, and joy.